Thursday, December 20, 2007

TSBA Sign-Off

After Three Years at the keyboard, Sampson Signs Off
February 24, 2006
Lewisville, TX

In an unprecedented move today, Texas Sport Bike Association (TSBA) member Greg Sampson (a.k.a. Spammy, Loopy or Clutch) has called quits to his now three year old membership.

From his new home in San Antonio, "What the hell did he break now, his fingers?", asked former Fujiwara Tofu Shop teammate and TSBA member John Roberts.

“It is time to move on”, said Greg from his home in Lewisville, Texas, “I have had a great time in the TSBA and met a lot of great friends, but it is time to say when.”

Speculation has been rife that Sampson would never throw a leg over a sport bike again, but he still insists that this is not the case. Speaking again from his home, Greg had this to say about reports that his riding career ended as early as November of 2004.

“Yeah, I’ve heard that myself and didn’t do much to dispel the comments, but truth be told I just needed some time off to collect my thoughts and address some issues that needed to be handled”, upon further questioning Sampson revealed, “it was a loss of confidence, that year really shook me up and I needed to do take some time to get that back. Now I think I’m ready, and I want to have fun.”

Despite this new attitude toward motorcycle riding, Sampson is pressing ahead with plans to sell his current street bike, a 2002 Suzuki SV650S; a move that some feel is contradictory to his plans to begin riding again.

“He’s done”, states Greg Childress from his office Bat-Phone, “I was going to adopt him until I realized my plumbing still works.”

Messer Sampson, however, maintains his position, “I’m tired of the dangers that street riding presents, and I had grown bored with it towards the end anyway. What I’m looking at now is an exclusive return to the track.”

A return to the track appears to be a good idea to TSBA members, Cathy White and Sunny Balram, who collectively remarked, “after that last episode at Oak Hill we just wanted to get him back on the bike so we’d have a video camera ready for filming. ****, that would have made us some serious cash on the Internet!”
Other members such as ‘Hooligan Dave’ feel that immediate medical attention and the lack of immobile obstacles resting only yards from high speed corner exits only, “removes the thrill,” from typical sport bike riding.

While the return to racing does not surprise some, it does come as a shock to others; his parents seem to prefer he pick a more mundane hobby such as needlepoint.
“Racing is in his blood”, stated his father from the family’s retail store in Charlotte, North Carolina, “I wish he’d stay on four wheels so we could stop getting calls from the emergency room, but such is life. He had such a tame childhood; I guess that might explain it.”

His mother, a bit less understanding, had this to say, “Well s[censor]t. I don’t know what that kid is thinking. I mean, what on earth did his father and I do wrong, anyway?”

Despite his ability to post until February 28th, Sampson has decided to call an end to his membership with his 3000th post and has no plans to continue beyond this fabled landmark.

“Three years at the keyboard have given me the chance to espouse a lot of knowledge to the members of the TSBA, and I don’t regret that at all. I thought this would be an appropriate point to reach before letting it go.”

“Terming his posts as a source of knowledge might be a bit of a stretch,” according to former TSBA President Edward ‘Geek’ Walker, “You call that knowledge? I call it a stoppie and a loop-out. He might as well be flying a helicopter”, a subject with which Mr. Walker assures us he is confidently familiar, “I used to be ranked number 12 in the world with RC stunt helicopters you know.” Walker was then sought for further questioning but was unavailable for comment after snapping his fingers and suddenly disappearing without a trace.

When asked for reasons for his departure Greg is somewhat vague, but many in the club have their own suspicions. While some are more far fetched, others could be closer to the mark.

“I think the biggest factor is this new girlfriend of his”, spouts dirt bike rider and fellow TSBA member Amber Terry, “she’s gotten him into this whole rock climbing business.” She also notes that, “I personally find that climbing is a bit too slow paced for a competitive dirt bike racer like myself. I can see how his brain is more able to comprehend it but I prefer to spend my time having religious experiences dodging trees and rocks in the woods.”

John Ulmer, JohnT on the TSBA forum, was convinced that, “He’s exhausted his resources for tail in the TSBA. I mean, let’s face it, there’s no good *** left to be had in the club and he was forced to look outside the club after coming up dry within the association. He found what he needed elsewhere and there’s no sense in sticking around now.” When asked if he would miss Sampson’s repartee on forum posts, Ulmer simply rolled his eyes, “Miss him? Are you kidding? At least now I can read through posts without having to wade through one of ‘Mr. 5000 Words’ little tirades. Although, I guess I will miss that in some way, too.” When asked who might take up the role as a long winded word smith Ulmer replied, “Well, I think Nathan will step into that role nicely.”

Mr. Heirone-… Mr. Heironom-… Mr. Hyronee-… Uhm…

Nathan H., pegged by Mr. Ulmer for his somewhat longwinded posts and ability to take any situation and spin it into a positive and reflective experience, commented that, “Under the circumstances I think the situation should prompt everyone to step back and reassess their own position within the club. Perhaps we need to take a closer look at the speed and riding style being demonstrated on weekly SMRs (Sunday Morning Rides) and decide if this is the direction we want to take with…”, but the telephone connection was mysteriously severed moments later and, even more mysteriously, was not able to be reestablished for further comment.

Other members expressed grief at the announcement, although not everyone.

“I think the main problem is that he wasn’t going on enough SMRs”, commented Faisal Kahn from a bramble of shrubbery and trees some 400 yards from a tight left hander on FM455. “Look”, he stated as he stepped away from the wreckage of yet another liter bike, picking leaves from his Aerostitch, “if you want to be a part of this club you have got to either ride the SMRs or come out for some dirt rides, that’s all there is to-… Hang on… This branch is really getting me in the wrong spot. Can you just hold my helmet while I pull this thing loose?”

Speaking from behind a muffled mask, TSBA member ‘Albie’ was too busy wildly firing paintballs into a crowd of kindergartners awaiting their morning school bus ride to say anything more than, “That’s 28 rounds a second you little bastards! MUWAHAHA-HAHA-HA!”

Lee ‘Wheelee’ Nolen, speaking from Sean Gurevich’s home in Frisco, felt that while Sampson would be missed initially, the feelings wouldn’t last long. “Give them a week to mull it over and most people won’t even remember who he was.” Flexing in front of a mirror, Nolen continued, “besides, he doesn’t tan and certainly doesn’t hit the gym as often as I do, so who would remember him?” A small cadre of women, presumably a portion of his growing harem, then giggled and coated Nolen with another layer of body oil while he inspected a tuft of body hair somehow left unshaven on his mid section, “**** it woman, can’t you do anything right?!”

From his garage in Coppell, TSBA member and former President Tim Thompson stated, “Stop putting that grease in your brother’s hair”, and then continued, “Now who is going to borrow this trick folding trailer?”

Along the same lines, Tom “Tommy Dubya” Welker enthused, “Well, at least he didn’t start crashing the crap out of himself until after he’d ridden my Aprilia up at Hallett. I’ve got a kick *** trailer you’re welcome to borrow if you need it…”

From a garage ripe with the smell of fumes, a TSBA member (wearing only a Viking helmet and pink thong) asked, “Hey, do you have any idea what would happen if I dropped this lit match into a 55 gallon drum of 115 octane racing fuel blended with castor bean oil and fertilizer?” Ben “Crash” Crain was quickly engulfed in flames and left the garage screaming, “It worked, you fools doubted me, but it worked!”

“We saw this coming a little while back but decided to just let things play out as they may. Still, we imagine this will give him time to travel up our direction so we can facilitate the breaking of some bones on the half pipe”, opined former TSBA members Patti and Jyri Strandman from their home in Park City, Utah. Mr. Strandman, a Finnish national, spoke fondly of Mr. Sampson, but most of what he said was a garbled mess of broken English and exotic hand signals before he placed a pair of pink panties on his head and began singing a medley of Britney Spears and Nancy Sinatra tunes.

Current website aficionado Brad Felmey was quick to point out that, “I think a lot of this has to do with the current TSBA website and forum. If the board would just stop f[censor]g around and allow me to go live with this project, he’d have stuck around.” When pressed further, Felmey also admitted that, “perhaps he felt left out of the club in 2005. I myself found it quite pleasing, and the club more welcoming, having annihilated a healthy outcropping of fir trees one Sunday morning. Now everyone loves me.”

“Whatever”, commented ex-TSBA Post-Whore Melissa Knight, “I’m sure we’ll miss that bastard’s sarcasm, but I’m also sure I can step up to fill the gap. I’ve been waiting for a new challenge ever since my husband made me clean up my usual rash of weird posts.”

Her husband, Robert Austin, was presumed unavailable for comment following a brief telephone conversation that seemed to bridge the gap between tirades and empty physical threats. Austin’s recorded comments were later translated by a team of scientists from the University of Texas, with a transcript available online at their website:

In a final parting comment, Sampson simply stated, “Look, I’ve got some other plans in the works and this is just the first step in accomplishing some of those goals. If people are really curious they can always call or email me."

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