Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Press Release: Office Golf Tourney

Reigning Champ Ousted from St. Valentine’s Tournament
Shock Loss Rocks Global Classified Center

IRVING, Texas – The Wall Street Journal’s Global Classified Center was left reeling yesterday following a shocking loss at the St. Valentine’s Massacre Open Golf Tournament. In what may be considered the world’s most ludicrous turn of events, certainly one of the worst cases of a player choking during heated competition, reigning GCC Winter Open champion Mike Hankinson was soundly trounced by relative golf newcomer Steve “Ski” Mlynarski in the first round of play. Mlynarski defeated Hankinson 24-29, appropriately enough, on Valentine’s Day.

Hankinson, coming into the tournament on a high after winning the GCC Winter Open in a heated battle with Ross Johnson, was confident of his chances at success in the St. Valentine’s Tournament. Entering St. Valentine’s with a Top Qualifier score of just 21 on the 9-hole, mostly par 2 course, Hankinson, who was unavailable for comment, was thought to have been heard boasting prior to the tourney.

“These turkeys are cooked. You all might as well just go home.”

Mlynarski, whose golf skills are questionable at best, was unceremoniously eliminated from last month’s GCC Winter Open in the first round before only just squeaking into St. Valentine’s with a worst-of-the-bracket-but-still-somehow-allowed-to-play score of 30.

When asked to comment on his chances prior to the start of play, Mlynarski asked, “Did someone say coffee?”

Following the heated 9-hole round of play, Mlynarski was seen randomly rebooting computers in the GCC, apparently delirious from his victory over the once proud, but now certainly befuddled and caroused, Hankinson.

Reaction throughout the GCC office has been mixed, though mostly in favor of Mlynarski’s resounding victory. Between his duties deciphering cryptic emails from Mart advertisers, fellow manager Dwight Wilhelm stated dryly, “I think that’s the greatest thing since sliced bread.”

In a telephone interview, production employee Chris Gage stated, “Man I just heard about that, sure is an interesting development,” upon further questioning Gage replied, “In the first round, no less. That sure opens things up.” After more questioning Gage also revealed, “[there were] rumors that Hankinson had a series of fortunate events to help secure the last win,” and continued, “[this] might have been a more true representation of his ability.”

Furthering this point were comments from the GCC Winter Open’s runner-up, Ross Johnson, “He’s a Duval, a B.J. Simms, a flash in the pan. If you can’t win consistently, you aren’t winning at all.”

When asked if they’d lost confidence in their manager’s ability to lead the Career Journal sales team following his early tourney ouster, Derek Burkett simply stated, “That happened a long time ago.” Continuing in his feelings of dejection, Burkett added, “He couldn’t even throw the ball as far as Johnson when he lost.”

Echoing his resentment, Anne Rector also stated, “Hankinson has taken the day off,” presumably in an effort to recover from Tuesday’s slaughter and the binge drinking that typically follows such losses.

Moving forward from here it is unclear who the favorites are within the tournament, but Self-Appointed Golf Commissioner Toby Breiten enthused, “It is anybody’s tournament!”


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